I saw fear in her eyes...

On the first and only day I have had time to sub this semester, I worked in a Special Ed class.  I had a sub mentor that showed me the ropes.  We had students come in and out.  We helped them with worksheets, tests, etc.  Near the end of the day, a girl that was probably just entering the early stages of adolescence came in.  She was slender with long, dark, straight hair.  She seemed like any other girl at first, but then I looked a little harder.  What I saw took my breathe away.  The next day, I was waiting to go into my Dev Psych class and I couldn't stop thinking about what I saw.  I wrote something, nothing special, just my thoughts.  I thought I would share it here...

I saw fear in her eyes.  I saw pain.  I saw hopelessness.  I saw myself.  Her dark skin, her long, straight, black hair, her overly thin shape, she looked so frail.  I wanted to help her.  I wanted to look in her eyes and tell her that I understand.  I wanted to tell her she could trust me.  Instead, I asked her about the next problem on the worksheet.  How am I supposed to inspire them when I am just as frail as they are, when I am just as afraid, when I am in just as much pain.  I have this deep longing, calling, to be there for them, to help them heal and be brave.  Right now, I just don't know how.  I don't know where to start.  So, for now, I will continue working on this degree while I heal, while I get stronger, more hopeful, more brave.  As I face the demons of my past and present, I will finish my papers and proposals.  I will take notes in class and study for exams.  I will fight for freedom in my own life and the lives of my own children.  Maybe this is my process.  Maybe this is what God needs me to go through to be who they need me to be.  Maybe I am supposed to feel everything they feel so that when I see it, I will know how to help them.  Maybe all of this is for them...