Beauty on Campus 2

On the day of the ETSU NCAA Playoffs, we got out of class early.  This gave me the opportunity to truly enjoy the campus for the first time since I started last semester.  My life is a whirlwind of appointments, court dates, class, work, kids, etc.  This day, I could walk slowly, pay attention to what was going on around me, and soak up some much-needed peace and quiet.  As I waited for my Cinnamon Dulce Latte at Starbucks, I listened to the students and staff cheer and lament as one.  The unity in that room was precious.  In unison, we celebrated and mourned every play together.  Walking out into the sunny, soon-to-be-Spring day, I felt the wind and sunlight hit my face.  To my left, an adorable girl with pink and white hair was walking with her eyes half closed as she fingered her piano piece, to my left a large group of students jogged through the pride walk.  Walking on to the parking garage, there were students practicing fencing on one side, and the ROTC practicing drills on the other.  All around me, there were diverse groups enjoying their college experience.  I had never experienced such tranquility on campus before.  Finally, I can say that I enjoy campus life.  I may never be able to experience it as I would have when I was younger and time was more available, but that day, I was in awe of this step in my life.  Thank you ETSU for giving me this day.  Thank you, previous Midway students, for choosing my essay.  Thank you, Dr., Wachs, Mr. Hedden, and Dr. Kornwiebel for standing by me during these dark and difficult days so that I could experience this one glorious day.  I pray it stays with me on the days that I am rushing from one class to the next, or from one appointment to another.  God speed, and go Bucs!

On-Campus Self-Defense Class

Recently, I attended a self-defense class on campus.  This was not the kind of self-defense class where you practice defensive moves and learn how to drop-kick an offender.  Instead, we watched a video on ways you can prevent being attacked in the first place, and what you can do if you are attacked.  We were given resources, one of which was the power and control wheel.  I wasn't surprised that this was part of the package because I was first introduced to this wheel when I tried to leave my husband 10 years ago.  We discussed healthy relationships and how we can ward off an attacker just by being mindful of where we are, who is around us, and what is going on.  If we feel as though someone is shady, visually confronting them may convince them that we are not worth their time.  Focusing on the Power and Control Wheel, there is a cycle of violence between partners.  There is a honeymoon stage in which the abuser will be wonderful and sweet in order to make you forget how terrible they have been or to prevent you from seeing how terrible they will be before unleashing the beast.  Many abusive traits consist of intimidation, emotional abuse, isolation, minimizing and blaming, using children against you, economic abuse, male privilege, and coercion and threats.  If you notice any of these red flags, beware!  Unfortunately, I had to leave halfway through the hour long class, but I was glad I went.  Right now, fear is ever present in my life.  When I go to court, when I have to sit through a meeting at the boys' school, when I receive a text message that is more than a sentence long from the man that has made it his goal to be inside my head for the last 16 years, fear is almost consuming.  These moments are all it takes to send me on a three day crying binge complete with hyperventilation and despair.  Apparently, this is what it feels like to have PTSD due to domestic violence.  That is what they diagnosed me with after I insisted they do multiple psychological evaluations.  This class made me fell brave for a moment.  One day I am going to have to face this man that brings out so much of me that I hate to see.  A lack of trust in Jesus, a fear of man, all of the things I stooped to in order to survive the last 16 years.  Everything I despise about myself are wrapped up in this man.  The sins that Jesus so lovingly died for, are rooted in my idolatry of Mike Allen.  Going to this class was another attempt at freeing myself from his hold.  Maybe this is too candid, but, at this point in my life, I have to say the things that I have swept under the rug for so long.  Holding it all in is suffocating.  My insistence on being open about my life experiences are how I heal right now.  I know it may make some people uncomfortable, but holding it in is not an option anymore.  Not until I heal enough to be able to choke the words down again.  When that day comes, I will stop saying the truths that stop the conversation and make people second-guess what they just heard.  I will stop being socially awkward and stop pretending that the same truths don't stop me in my tracks and make we want to hug the part of me that experienced these things and tell her it is all going to be okay.  I will be able to believe it when I look in my boys' eyes and tell them that it is okay, that we are safe, that we are going to come out of all of this stronger.  Right now, all I really want to do is hold them and tell them how sorry I am that I did not wake up sooner, that I did not try to save us before it had a chance to get terrible all over again, that I ever went back in the first place, that I married the man that brought us all so much pain and fear, that I was not stronger, that I watched it all, that I failed.  I know I can't do that right now because they are young and they will not understand.  One day.  One day, I will be able to tell them.  I just pray they forgive me.