Alex Standall: 13 Reasons...Episode 3

               The Butterfly Effect…if a butterfly flaps its wings in just the right direction, at just the right time, it can cause a hurricane on the other side of the world.  The chaos theory…a tiny change in a big system can affect everything.  Open episode 3.  Justin’s broken mother is revealed, as is her abusive boyfriend, when Jess is looking for him.  Seth, the guy at Justin’s house, the one that threatened him, seems to be the reason for Justin’s demise.  Bryce is taking close care of Justin as he wakes Justin up from the couch at his house.  He gives Justin a pep talk, reminding him that he can count on him as long as Justin keeps him clean.  Bryce, the rich jock that has it all together while everyone around him is falling apart, continuously takes care of his friend.

                Marcus tries to recruit Clay to help put up suicide awareness posters when Hannah reveals the subject of tape 2, side B, Alex Standall.  As Hannah discusses the idea that she is just a little girl that gets upset over trivial things, she claims that the little things matter.   A meeting between Hannah’s mother and the school principle reveal that Hannah went from being overly excited and happy to being moody and withdrawn when she was at home.  This suggests an emotional disorder.  Then, her mother finds profanity in the school bathroom.  As she seeks blame for Hannah’s death, she finds something that is in school bathrooms all over the country.  The other students seem unaffected by the profanity. 

                Although Justin is not the subject of this tape, the show takes the time to reveal quite a bit about him.  The episode reveals that Justin has lived with his mother and a string of step-fathers who may have been abusive.  As Justin's story is narrated by the principle and counselor of the school’s dialogue, the scene shows Justin walking around Bryce’s house and looking at all the family photos, trophies, and love displayed throughout the home.  Jess walks in to Justin breaking down in tears.  From what I have learned about trauma and resilience in my Dev Psych class, I believe these two subjects are the background for this scene.  Hannah had two loving parents and a healthy home life, but went through some traumatic experiences in her social life.  Justin also has issues in his social life, but his home life was filled with one trauma after another.  In my own personal life, I have experienced some of the same traumas that Hannah faced, as well as many of the traumas that Justin faced.  Yet, I did not resort to suicide or blaming the world for my unhappiness.  Instead, I drowned my pain in drugs and alcohol, as did Justin.  Scenes like this are why I believe that the show tries to expose every side of every story.  The show gives the audience a full understanding of situations like this that transpire all over the world, and shows us how to look for the people whose resilience is lacking.  The empty locker, the mood swings at home and with Clay, the haircut, these are signs that the person is fading away.  We can call it a butterfly that causes a hurricane, or we can understand that some people can handle these situations with resilience, and some people cannot.  Hannah could not handle the butterfly, or the hurricane. 

The butterfly rants about suicide awareness posters and being a jerk.  Again, Hannah considers whether she is overreacting, but Alex never went through the stigma he placed on her, the eyes walking down the hall, the whispers in the bathroom.  As Angie Romero brags about her placement on the list, a profound lesson, social learning theory, is presented in a class.  What does this mean?  It means that we learn by observing the behavior of those around us.  Although the show suggests that the scene is drawing attention to the list and the string of events that follow, I believe there is an underlying lesson here as well.  The audience can learn from the reactions that each character displays to each of the incidents.  An interaction between Clay and Tony ends with Tony explaining that, “Hannah got hurt.  It happens.  You never really know what’s gonna hit how.  You really don’t know what’s going on in someone else’s life.”  This is the point, right? 

                The rest of the episode focuses on how Alex accepts the blame for Hannah’s death.  He explains why he put Hannah and Jessica on the list, and how that decision lead to all the events afterward.  Then, Bryce’s true colors are revealed when he grabs Hannah’s…she tells Alex that he put a target on her and made it open season on Hannah Baker.  The hurricane.  Alex begins to disintegrate, even quitting the jazz band, throughout the rest of the episode, and he and Clay get drunk in a 40-drinking competition encouraged by Bryce, Justin, and the rest of the gang.  Clay watches Tony and his brothers beating a kid up, throws up on his parents’ dinner, and changes tapes.  As Bryce and the gang hang out playing video games, Alex walks out to the pool and crumbles in, making you wonder if he will come back up.  He does, barely.  Hannah reveals that the next tape requires you to do something very wrong.  Clay clips the recorder to his hip and climbs out the window as Hannah says, “Be careful, and don’t get caught.”  Close episode 3.

                I believe that this is one of the most important episodes of the series.  The social and psychological questions and theories that the episode discusses calls the audience to contemplate each concept.  If they take the time to present each of these concepts, the idea that Hannah just lacked resilience, the idea that we never know what is going to hit how, then how can we say that the show is glorifying suicide, vengeance, or Hannah Baker.  Understanding that each member of the audience is going to experience the show differently, and bringing that to attention, is part of the art revealed.  It is powerful and beautiful.  Suicide is real.  It has impacted my life and many others.  Those of us left behind struggle, each in our own way, to recover from the most devastating blow we have ever taken.  It hits you in the gut, and takes your breathe away.  It paralyzes you.  It leaves you wondering if the other people left in the wake are going to be okay, or if they are going to follow suit.  This show represents the reality of suicide in every way.  If it scares you, good, it should.

13 Reason Why Scared the Shit Out of Me -- And it Should Scare You Too!

Jessica Davis: 13 Reasons...Episode 2

Episode 2 opens with Hannah speaking to the listener.  She conjectures why they could be on the tapes.  Were they cruel, a contributor, or just a bystander.  She goes on to tell the listener she believes they know exactly what part they played, and she is still dead.   The eerie thought ends in a silence that captures the curiosity of the audience.  As Clay goes on with this new day, Hannah continues with a warning, the listener is not alone.  There are others.  As the community attempts to promote suicide awareness, Clay’s parents, especially his mother, come up with ways to shield him from the backlash of all that has transpired.  Still, Clay, as well as the rest of the audience, is anticipating the name of the subject of this tape.  Who is it?  Is it Clay?  No, the star of the show is Jessica Davis, Hannah’s former best friend.

                Jessica Davis is introduced looking and acting like a hot mess as she bursts through a classroom asking questions about Justin, ending with, “What you listening to Clay?”  Another flashback takes the audience to the day Hannah and Jessica meet.  The, then, school counselor introduces them to assign them as friends since they are both new to the school.  Although the situation is less than desirable, the girls make the best of it and hit it off immediately.  The image Jessica has when she and Hannah first meet and the present-day Jessica seem like two different people.  The contrast is devastating.  Typical of the scheme of the show, they bounce from past to present and so forth as Hannah discusses she and Jessica’s friendship, and Jessica freaks out in the present.  In the past, Hannah and Jess meet regularly at Monet’s, a popular coffee shop, where they meet Alex Standall.  The duo becomes the trio.  The trio remedy the chaos in their lives with two hot chocolates and, “whatever the hell Alex is drinking.”  Then, Alex trades up, Jessica falls off, and they all go their separate ways, or did they?  Instead, the trio becomes a duo again when Jess and Alex fall in love, leaving Hannah behind. 

                Amid the story of Hannah, Jess, and Alex, the show reveals a side of Hannah that explains the difference between her and other victims of trauma.  Outside of the movie theater they both work at, Hannah and Clay have a conversation where she asks him if he thinks she will ever be as pretty as Jessica.  Clay seems astounded since he believes she is beautiful.  He stumbles over his words until all he can get out is that Hannah is special.  Although Clay is just nervous and confused, Hannah is offended, revealing her lack of resilience.  It is scenes like this one that show the reality of who Hannah is, and prove that the show is not glorifying her or what she has done in any way.  Also, in the very next scene, the show depicts the glorification of the jock star, and the absurdity of it all.

                As the show goes on, Hannah reveals the next traumatizing incident in her life, the list.  As Jess misinterprets what is going on due to circumstances not yet revealed, she blames Hannah for something that she is a victim of, calls her a slut, slaps her, and walks away.  Is Hannah lying?  The present, and wrecked, Jess tries to convince Clay that he cannot believe everything he hears.  Then, revealing the disarray that Justin has become as well, Justin’s friends, Bryce Walker, Zach Dempsey, and Marcus Cole tell Justin that Jess is looking for him and that she looks like a mess, to which Justin replies, “Yeah, she has for a while now.”  Eventually, Jess finds Justin at Bryce’s house, and freaks out on him.  In the midst of the argument, Jess accuses Justin of not telling her something, a foreshadow of the reason for her demise.

                As the episode comes to a close, Tony’s relationship with Hannah’s parents is revealed as her mother reaches out to him after finding the list.  Clay is confounded as he witnesses Tony being embraced by the tearful mother of Hannah Baker.  End scene, credits roll.

Justin Foley: 13 Reasons...Episode 1

    

Episode 1 introduces many of the characters, including the two main characters, Hannah Baker and Clay Jensen.  The episode opens with a close-up of Hannah Baker's locker, ensconced by notes and pictures, and with Hannah's voice introducing herself and the show.  From there, the show captures an interaction between Clay and Justin Foley.  Bouncing from one memory, to present reality, to another memory, and so on, the episode follows Clay as it introduces more characters including Hannah's parents, the school counselor, teachers, future subjects of the tapes, Clays relationship with Hannah, and so on until Clay reaches his front porch where the box of tapes await him.  After watching this episode a few times, I realize that the interaction Clay has with many of these characters consist of them "feeling Clay out" to see if he has listened to their tape yet. The box includes a map with the tapes.  The listener is given very specific instructions, complete with sites on the map to visit as they listen, all of it done old school style to keep technology from getting in the way.   As Clay opens the tapes, the audience is still unaware of what is happening.  Clay goes to his father to ask for a boom box, addressing the canyon of separation between the two generations.  When Clay first hears Hannah's voice on the tape, he is gripped with curiosity until he realizes that Hannah states that, if he is listening to the tape, he is one of the reasons why she is dead.  However, Clay is not the subject of Tape 1/Side 1.  Instead, it is Justin Foley.

Justin Foley is a football star and part of the "popular crowd."  Hannah and Justin spent a single night together where they shared nothing more than a kiss.  Unfortunately, Justin takes pictures of Hannah as she comes down a slide and captures a risky photo.  The next day, as all of Justin's friends are inquiring about his time with Hannah, Justin's best friend and constant caretaker, Bryce Walker, takes his phone and proceeds to send this picture to everyone in the school.  This is the beginning of the end.  From this one incident, all the others are set into motion.  At the end of the tape, Hannah claims that she is not done with Justin yet.  He has more than one tape.

Because I can't sleep...

I cried tonight, a good, healing cry.  The tears washed away so many negative and fallacious thoughts.  They washed away sorrow and loneliness.  They washed away brokenness.  They brought restoration and peace.  They brought a headache and sleeplessness, but that is okay too.  I am going to be okay.  The boys are still hanging in the balance between being broken by their father and succumbing to his character.  This breaks my heart, but even now, I have to trust that they will be okay one day too.  I feel that Jesus is near.  He has been rebuking me today.  His discipline brings peace because I know that He has not left me to myself.  With literal soap in my eye and tears pouring out of it to wash away all that does not belong, I realize that the emotional tears did the same thing.  This semester has brought a plethora of tears.  I have ruminated relentlessly.  I have been given the task of writing my life story for multiple assignments for school and therapy and court.  I have been tucked away in this little haven and given the task of finally pouring it all out.  After so many years of having to be strong, so many years of blocking out the truth and the pain, I needed to shatter and let it all come crashing down.  It makes me think of how a doctor has to rebreak a bone in order for it to heal.  God is rebreaking all of my old wounds, just to allow them to heal properly.   Hope.  It is such a powerful word.  Peace that surpasses all understanding is only possible in Jesus.  He is the spring of hope.  There have been moments when hope seemed so far away, as did Jesus, but I guess that is part of the breaking process.  I had to allow myself to feel the hurt and brokenness, the numbness and anger, the self-pity and fear.  All of it had to be absorbed in order to let it all go.  Maybe that is why my boys had to spend so much time with their father without me there to protect them, to purloin the punishment for his existence.  They need me strong.  They need a rock on which they can stand until they are ready to stand on the Solid Rock.  Lacey Bug strolls through my mind.  Long nights of angry coworkers and even angrier customers brought her low on many occasions.  I would always encourage her by saying, “Rock solid, Lacey Bug, rock solid, standing on the Solid Rock!”  It was so much easier when I felt rock solid.  I felt imperishable then.  I was strong and capable even in the midst of chaos.  That was before the PTSD had a chance to come roaring through my mind, leaving a wake of devastation in its path.  Now, I am thankful just to complete an assignment or thought.  My mind has broken.  It was all too much this time.  I know that God is healing me, but this inability to communicate or push through the chaos, or even to get through a single meeting is terrifying.  I have retreated.  I have crawled in an abyss where only Jesus can navigate.  Sovereignly, He has brought me low in order to raise me up.  This thought takes me to the lyrics, “You raise me up so I can stand on mountains.  You raise me up to walk on stormy seas.  I am strong when I am on your shoulders.  You raise me up to more than I can be.”  This semester, I have spent more time at the foot of the cross or prostrate upon the steps before the throne than I have spent on His shoulders.  That is okay too.  Every moment, every heartache, every fear, every ounce of emptiness brings me closer to who He created me to be, closer to my purpose on this earth, and closer to my true home.  This is the embodiment of my hope.  To cross the Jordan, to encroach upon the gates of Heaven, to enter his courts, to sit at the table, to feel His embrace, to rest my head in His lap as He says, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.”  Not because I have been faithful, but because He has been faithful for me, shielding me from all that I deserve, He is my righteousness that makes my hope possible.  Hope.

13 Reasons Why: Getting to the Reality Despite the Controversy

     13 Reasons Why is a Netflix Original series based on a young girl that commits suicide.  Hannah Baker goes through several traumatic situations.  After each one of these experiences, she falls deeper and deeper into depression.  In the end, she decides that her life is no longer worth living.  She makes a series of tapes, each one directed to another person that did something to lead her to her decision.  Although much of the controversy surrounding this show states that it glorifies revenge suicide or even Hannah, I do not believe that is the case.  I can see how it could be taken that way since the main character in the show is in love with Hannah, but everyone sees art differently. 
     I see several sides of a single story, none of which are glorified.  Each tape reveals the ugliness of humanity.  Romans 3:10-18  says, “There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands; there is no one who seeks God.  All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one.  Their throats are open graves; their tongues practice deceit.  The poison of vipers is on their lips.  Their mouths are full of cursing and bitterness.  Their feet are swift to shed blood; ruin and misery mark their ways, and the way of peace they do not know.  There is no fear of God before their eyes."  As the show continues, even the people that you think are good become some of the worst offenders. 
     The character, Alex Standal, is one example of how the show does not glorify revenge suicide.  As the show goes on, Alex falls deeper and deeper into depression himself.  In the end, he has fallen so far that he is barely recognizable.  The character, Jess, is another example of how the show does not glorify what is happening.  I will leave the rest of my opinion about Jess for when I address her tape.
     Although the main character, Clay, is in love with Hannah, I do not believe that the show glorifies her at all.  Rather, I believe that Clay's infatuation of her allows the audience to sympathize with her while all of the other characters are demeaning her.  It takes the audience in a direction of understanding and patience when, without this part of the story, many would automatically dismiss her or her experiences.
     Another interesting aspect of the story is that almost all of the incidences are due to someone believing a lie.  A single rumor, based on a lie, set all of the other events into motion, each time creating an even more traumatizing event.  I can tell you from experience that this is an easy path to fall down.  I will discuss this further in my post, PTSD:  Fighting for Freedom With a Broken Mind.
     Each of the following 13 posts will address a single episode of 13 Reasons Why.  I hope that, by the end of the last post, you will be able to understand the positive aspects the show has and how it can help all of us understand the slippery slope that leads someone to this decision.  Maybe then, we can all save a life.

I saw fear in her eyes...

On the first and only day I have had time to sub this semester, I worked in a Special Ed class.  I had a sub mentor that showed me the ropes.  We had students come in and out.  We helped them with worksheets, tests, etc.  Near the end of the day, a girl that was probably just entering the early stages of adolescence came in.  She was slender with long, dark, straight hair.  She seemed like any other girl at first, but then I looked a little harder.  What I saw took my breathe away.  The next day, I was waiting to go into my Dev Psych class and I couldn't stop thinking about what I saw.  I wrote something, nothing special, just my thoughts.  I thought I would share it here...

I saw fear in her eyes.  I saw pain.  I saw hopelessness.  I saw myself.  Her dark skin, her long, straight, black hair, her overly thin shape, she looked so frail.  I wanted to help her.  I wanted to look in her eyes and tell her that I understand.  I wanted to tell her she could trust me.  Instead, I asked her about the next problem on the worksheet.  How am I supposed to inspire them when I am just as frail as they are, when I am just as afraid, when I am in just as much pain.  I have this deep longing, calling, to be there for them, to help them heal and be brave.  Right now, I just don't know how.  I don't know where to start.  So, for now, I will continue working on this degree while I heal, while I get stronger, more hopeful, more brave.  As I face the demons of my past and present, I will finish my papers and proposals.  I will take notes in class and study for exams.  I will fight for freedom in my own life and the lives of my own children.  Maybe this is my process.  Maybe this is what God needs me to go through to be who they need me to be.  Maybe I am supposed to feel everything they feel so that when I see it, I will know how to help them.  Maybe all of this is for them...

Learning How to be an Undergrad Thesis Writer

On Tuesday, March 28, I had the privilege of working at the Boland Symposium. At the registration table from 10am-Noon, I was able to direct the Moderators and Presenters to the correct rooms, hand them their badge and lunch tickets, and even redirect a few business majors.  Dr. Ignace held a meeting a week prior to the symposium in order to show us where everything would be set up.   I was able to sit and talk with one of the presenters while she helped with registration the first hour I was there.  Her topic was controversial and brave, but I don't think I will share it here.  Before I had to leave for an exam, Dr. Ignace insisted that he feed me.  I am so glad he did because the mashed potatoes were amazing!  I was thankful for this opportunity because I am working on my own thesis.  It gave me a chance to be a part of the community that I should know and understand, but feel so far away from.  Mr. Hedden let us know that our thesis will most likely not be published, which was a huge relief, but I still have an amazing opportunity to be a part of something I do not feel qualified for.  Stepping out of my comfort zone and exposing my country self to such intelligent people is intimidating and exhilarating all at the same time.  I do not hold a candle to most of these people, but the fact that I am trying to walk beside them anyway makes me feel like I just might be brave too.  I am not sure what God is up to, but He is making it interesting.