Because I can't sleep...

I cried tonight, a good, healing cry.  The tears washed away so many negative and fallacious thoughts.  They washed away sorrow and loneliness.  They washed away brokenness.  They brought restoration and peace.  They brought a headache and sleeplessness, but that is okay too.  I am going to be okay.  The boys are still hanging in the balance between being broken by their father and succumbing to his character.  This breaks my heart, but even now, I have to trust that they will be okay one day too.  I feel that Jesus is near.  He has been rebuking me today.  His discipline brings peace because I know that He has not left me to myself.  With literal soap in my eye and tears pouring out of it to wash away all that does not belong, I realize that the emotional tears did the same thing.  This semester has brought a plethora of tears.  I have ruminated relentlessly.  I have been given the task of writing my life story for multiple assignments for school and therapy and court.  I have been tucked away in this little haven and given the task of finally pouring it all out.  After so many years of having to be strong, so many years of blocking out the truth and the pain, I needed to shatter and let it all come crashing down.  It makes me think of how a doctor has to rebreak a bone in order for it to heal.  God is rebreaking all of my old wounds, just to allow them to heal properly.   Hope.  It is such a powerful word.  Peace that surpasses all understanding is only possible in Jesus.  He is the spring of hope.  There have been moments when hope seemed so far away, as did Jesus, but I guess that is part of the breaking process.  I had to allow myself to feel the hurt and brokenness, the numbness and anger, the self-pity and fear.  All of it had to be absorbed in order to let it all go.  Maybe that is why my boys had to spend so much time with their father without me there to protect them, to purloin the punishment for his existence.  They need me strong.  They need a rock on which they can stand until they are ready to stand on the Solid Rock.  Lacey Bug strolls through my mind.  Long nights of angry coworkers and even angrier customers brought her low on many occasions.  I would always encourage her by saying, “Rock solid, Lacey Bug, rock solid, standing on the Solid Rock!”  It was so much easier when I felt rock solid.  I felt imperishable then.  I was strong and capable even in the midst of chaos.  That was before the PTSD had a chance to come roaring through my mind, leaving a wake of devastation in its path.  Now, I am thankful just to complete an assignment or thought.  My mind has broken.  It was all too much this time.  I know that God is healing me, but this inability to communicate or push through the chaos, or even to get through a single meeting is terrifying.  I have retreated.  I have crawled in an abyss where only Jesus can navigate.  Sovereignly, He has brought me low in order to raise me up.  This thought takes me to the lyrics, “You raise me up so I can stand on mountains.  You raise me up to walk on stormy seas.  I am strong when I am on your shoulders.  You raise me up to more than I can be.”  This semester, I have spent more time at the foot of the cross or prostrate upon the steps before the throne than I have spent on His shoulders.  That is okay too.  Every moment, every heartache, every fear, every ounce of emptiness brings me closer to who He created me to be, closer to my purpose on this earth, and closer to my true home.  This is the embodiment of my hope.  To cross the Jordan, to encroach upon the gates of Heaven, to enter his courts, to sit at the table, to feel His embrace, to rest my head in His lap as He says, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.”  Not because I have been faithful, but because He has been faithful for me, shielding me from all that I deserve, He is my righteousness that makes my hope possible.  Hope.

13 Reasons Why: Getting to the Reality Despite the Controversy

     13 Reasons Why is a Netflix Original series based on a young girl that commits suicide.  Hannah Baker goes through several traumatic situations.  After each one of these experiences, she falls deeper and deeper into depression.  In the end, she decides that her life is no longer worth living.  She makes a series of tapes, each one directed to another person that did something to lead her to her decision.  Although much of the controversy surrounding this show states that it glorifies revenge suicide or even Hannah, I do not believe that is the case.  I can see how it could be taken that way since the main character in the show is in love with Hannah, but everyone sees art differently. 
     I see several sides of a single story, none of which are glorified.  Each tape reveals the ugliness of humanity.  Romans 3:10-18  says, “There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands; there is no one who seeks God.  All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one.  Their throats are open graves; their tongues practice deceit.  The poison of vipers is on their lips.  Their mouths are full of cursing and bitterness.  Their feet are swift to shed blood; ruin and misery mark their ways, and the way of peace they do not know.  There is no fear of God before their eyes."  As the show continues, even the people that you think are good become some of the worst offenders. 
     The character, Alex Standal, is one example of how the show does not glorify revenge suicide.  As the show goes on, Alex falls deeper and deeper into depression himself.  In the end, he has fallen so far that he is barely recognizable.  The character, Jess, is another example of how the show does not glorify what is happening.  I will leave the rest of my opinion about Jess for when I address her tape.
     Although the main character, Clay, is in love with Hannah, I do not believe that the show glorifies her at all.  Rather, I believe that Clay's infatuation of her allows the audience to sympathize with her while all of the other characters are demeaning her.  It takes the audience in a direction of understanding and patience when, without this part of the story, many would automatically dismiss her or her experiences.
     Another interesting aspect of the story is that almost all of the incidences are due to someone believing a lie.  A single rumor, based on a lie, set all of the other events into motion, each time creating an even more traumatizing event.  I can tell you from experience that this is an easy path to fall down.  I will discuss this further in my post, PTSD:  Fighting for Freedom With a Broken Mind.
     Each of the following 13 posts will address a single episode of 13 Reasons Why.  I hope that, by the end of the last post, you will be able to understand the positive aspects the show has and how it can help all of us understand the slippery slope that leads someone to this decision.  Maybe then, we can all save a life.

I saw fear in her eyes...

On the first and only day I have had time to sub this semester, I worked in a Special Ed class.  I had a sub mentor that showed me the ropes.  We had students come in and out.  We helped them with worksheets, tests, etc.  Near the end of the day, a girl that was probably just entering the early stages of adolescence came in.  She was slender with long, dark, straight hair.  She seemed like any other girl at first, but then I looked a little harder.  What I saw took my breathe away.  The next day, I was waiting to go into my Dev Psych class and I couldn't stop thinking about what I saw.  I wrote something, nothing special, just my thoughts.  I thought I would share it here...

I saw fear in her eyes.  I saw pain.  I saw hopelessness.  I saw myself.  Her dark skin, her long, straight, black hair, her overly thin shape, she looked so frail.  I wanted to help her.  I wanted to look in her eyes and tell her that I understand.  I wanted to tell her she could trust me.  Instead, I asked her about the next problem on the worksheet.  How am I supposed to inspire them when I am just as frail as they are, when I am just as afraid, when I am in just as much pain.  I have this deep longing, calling, to be there for them, to help them heal and be brave.  Right now, I just don't know how.  I don't know where to start.  So, for now, I will continue working on this degree while I heal, while I get stronger, more hopeful, more brave.  As I face the demons of my past and present, I will finish my papers and proposals.  I will take notes in class and study for exams.  I will fight for freedom in my own life and the lives of my own children.  Maybe this is my process.  Maybe this is what God needs me to go through to be who they need me to be.  Maybe I am supposed to feel everything they feel so that when I see it, I will know how to help them.  Maybe all of this is for them...

Learning How to be an Undergrad Thesis Writer

On Tuesday, March 28, I had the privilege of working at the Boland Symposium. At the registration table from 10am-Noon, I was able to direct the Moderators and Presenters to the correct rooms, hand them their badge and lunch tickets, and even redirect a few business majors.  Dr. Ignace held a meeting a week prior to the symposium in order to show us where everything would be set up.   I was able to sit and talk with one of the presenters while she helped with registration the first hour I was there.  Her topic was controversial and brave, but I don't think I will share it here.  Before I had to leave for an exam, Dr. Ignace insisted that he feed me.  I am so glad he did because the mashed potatoes were amazing!  I was thankful for this opportunity because I am working on my own thesis.  It gave me a chance to be a part of the community that I should know and understand, but feel so far away from.  Mr. Hedden let us know that our thesis will most likely not be published, which was a huge relief, but I still have an amazing opportunity to be a part of something I do not feel qualified for.  Stepping out of my comfort zone and exposing my country self to such intelligent people is intimidating and exhilarating all at the same time.  I do not hold a candle to most of these people, but the fact that I am trying to walk beside them anyway makes me feel like I just might be brave too.  I am not sure what God is up to, but He is making it interesting.